Wow-November was quite a crazy month! I lost no weight. I haven't stepped on the scale. I'm afraid of what it might say! After cheating with cheesecake and Chinese food on my birthday, it's been extremely difficult for me to stay focused on my healthy eating plan! I've found myself cheating more than I would like to admit and exercise has dwindled to about once per week, if that. None of my clothes feel tight, so I may have only gained a couple of pounds, BUT-fact is, I have not lost! I feel bouts of self hatred and condemnation flooding my thoughts quite often. I try not to go into that mode, but honestly, I am NOT happy with the choices I have made recently. I have not been the woman of self-discipline that I know God desires of me. I know--no condemnation--I know He loves me in spite of myself, but I have been feeling quite discouraged these days. However, when I awoke this morning, I felt a renewed sense of hope!
My in laws moved out this week, which was a tremendous weight lifted from my life! I finally feel as if we have somewhat of a normal life back again! It has taken all week for me to get the house clean again, smells removed and clutter organized. If you know me at all, you know that I highly despise clutter! There was much of it when they were living with us. Real life hoarders were my house guests. Not that my house is always spotless, after all there are five children living here, but for the most part we try to keep it picked up as much as possible. My sister in law did comment on several occasions that she wanted to clean her house the way I clean mine. I am hoping that she learned the importance of tossing garbage on a regular basis! Honestly, I am thankful for the time they spent here. It was not easy, to say the very least. It was inconvenient and at times a struggle to keep a smile on my face. Twice I left the house and drove for several hours while sobbing and asking God why they were living with me! Twice I lost my temper with them, and had to apologize for hurting their feelings. The day they moved out, God revealed to me why they were here. There is a long history of abuse in my husband's family and I have been praying for an open door to share the love of Jesus with my mother and sister in law. Both were victims of emotional and physical abuse, and both have become extremely bitter. I'm not sure of their salvation, as they are devout Catholics. When I asked if they could ever remember a time when they asked Jesus into their hearts or given their lives over to Him, they responded that they "do that all the time". Not sure how much they understand, but I do know that they love Jesus and that they desire to forgive and live the life God intended. We had a beautiful conversation on the day they left. Tears were shed and I received so many hugs - probably more than they gave me during their entire stay! We talked in length about forgiveness and what that means, and I assured them that it didn't mean that they had to be their abusers "friend", but that God has commanded us to forgive as He has forgiven us. My sister in law was so sweet when she said, "I want to forgive but I just don't know how" - what a beautiful heart she has! She then asked me for a Bible! I felt as if God's grace was so evident that day. He made it so clear to me why they are in my life. Relationships can be so difficult, and I am just grateful that they left on good terms and that they left!! :) I volunteered to pick them up once a week and take them shopping, and I'm actually looking forward to being able to visit them - a much better situation than having them live with me!
So, I said all of that to say that today, on December 1, as I sit in my quiet, clean living room, I am ready to get my brain and butt back in gear! I have pulled out my armor - the Word of God - and am ready to fight off those temptations!! I was doing so well on the lots of veggies and lean proteins and no sugar-so that is what I am getting back to! I don't care if it's the holidays, no more cheating for me! I haven't reached the point of feeling physically awful from the sugar and white carbs that have made their way back into my body again, but I know that if I continue the way I am going, that I will be right back where I was six months ago, and by the grace of God, I will not go back there ever again!!
"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13b-14
Thank you for praying for me!
Love to all of you,
2 years ago