So I won't bore you with another paragraph of apologies. I'll put it to you plain and simple.
Life happens.
I fell off the wagon.
I've gained 10lbs.
I exercised last week for the first time since December. Yes, I said December.
My mind is reeling with excuses and pardons for my actions, but none seem worthy enough to even try to explain.
I am not a failure, although I have had many, many, MANY days where I certainly felt like one.
I stayed very far from this blog because I just didn't feel like explaining, and then I would reassure myself that I would get right back on the wagon and get back to blogging to report new weight loss..and you all would never know the real truth!! :) HA.
I try to pretend, but it's just not my style. I have always had a very hard time pretending to be someone that I'm not. So I just stayed away. Had good days and had bad days. Some days I ate whatever I wanted and then the very next day I would eat absolutely nothing, somehow convincing myself that all of the calories would even out if I just fast the day after a binge. A very unhealthy cycle for sure. The fast days quickly became less and less and the pounds started to creep back on. TEN total. Ugh.
My scripture cards are collecting dust at the bottom of one of my purses that I'm not even using currently. Sad, but true. Therein lies the root of my set backs.
Last week I decided to jump back in full force--back to 100% clean eating and exercising. We made it to the gym once last week and I ended up getting sick. Probably all the junk coming out of my system--who knows. I was sick for almost 3 days, but jumped right back in when I felt better.
My daughter, Ally who is headed for college this fall challenged me to get up with her every single morning and go to the Y to exercise. My stomach was in knots when she approached me with this challenge. I have such a hard time disappointing my kids! My driving force in responding to this challenge was the mere fact that she won't be living with us much longer, and I know I will regret not having this time with her if I didn't agree! Maybe it's the wrong reason, but it got me out of bed this bitter cold morning at 4:45 am. The temperature read 15 degrees when we pulled out of the driveway.
I sat in silence the entire way. My poor child. All I could muster up was, "how did you sleep?" to which she responded way too excitedly, "I slept GREAT! How about you?" My response was not so chipper- "Terrible."
I didn't utter another word until we were on the elliptical for 4 minutes and 40 seconds. I clearly remember looking at the time because I knew I had to say something to this poor little girl who actually loves to spend time with me, and WANTED to be there with me on this day! I am ashamed to even admit that again, the only words I could even find in my brain were, "At least I'm here." She smiled so sweetly and said, "I know. I'm glad you are." For anyone who has ever looked at me and thought what a wonderful mother I am..haha..today is proof that I am no where near wonderful!! Human, yes. A night owl, yes. A morning person? Absolutely not.
Nearing 30 minutes into the workout I started to ease up and by the end we were almost smiling together! Almost. The weather was horrible and every rotten person decided to sit on my tail on the ride home. By the time we got home I was miserable again! A bowl of fresh fruit and a hot cup of coffee was definitely helpful. :) Far more helpful was watching my daughter skip down the stairs and head off to school with her siblings smiling and happy that we made it to the gym this morning!
And now all I needed was my Bible. My power. My ever present Help in time of need. My source of Life. My daily bread.
My eyes fell upon this passage as my slump of a body sat on the couch. Wondering if I'll ever really do this. Will I ever stick with anything health related? I know the context of this passage, but God used it to speak into my life today. To remind me that He is still in control:
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me and when you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:11-14
I cannot even begin to explain how many days I have felt that I am being held captive by my desire for food. He will bring me back from captivity. Can I get an Amen?!
So, I'm not even going to waste my breath by promising anything. I don't know when I will write again or add new recipes, and possibly do a video tutorial on some recipes. All of these are grand ideas, and I have every intention of following through, but as you already know, things don't always go as planned.
Be well my friends, and please continue to pray for me!
