21 Pounds GONE!



21 Pounds lost in less than a month! Thank YOU LORD!



No Change..

Well..my weight is exactly the same today as it was last Wednesday.  I'm sure there are reasons for this..going back to solid food, which added a few hundred more calories to my diet..I was at 800 calories every day and now I am at around 1200-1500 depending on the day..I've been sticking closer to 1200 as much as possible...

So...I'm not discouraged in the very least, I just know that sometimes this happens..I will continue to press on!!

Another Weigh In Wednesday..

I can't believe that it's been nearly a month since I began this new chapter in my life..I am feeling better than ever and am so grateful for God's amazing grace that never ceases to amaze me..

I am on the eve of another Wednesday Weigh In..and am feeling a little anxious yet again. :)  Since I've returned to regular food once again, and although I've kept the calories very low..and have stayed on my plan 100%, I still worry that I have not lost any weight, or even worse, what if I gained??  It's just the crazy mind games that play over and over in this head of mine..

I took another bike ride last night with my 2 little ones, Julia and Elijah.  We had so much fun, but wow..it was crazy trying to keep up with them!  Especially Elijah who is full of energy and can go crazy fast on that little bike!! :)  I made it, though and felt great when I arrived back home.  My legs are sore, which is a good thing, cuz it means that I made progress in getting back into shape!

It's been a very busy week so far, as I am teaching 2nd/3rd graders at our VBS this week.  Haven't made the gym yet, but I am planning on getting there at least once this week and then will get into a better routine once VBS ends!  I will most likely be late in posting the weigh in results tomorrow, as I am at VBS until noon-ish.  I will also post new pics tomorrow!

Thanking you all for your constant prayers and love for me!

A Beautiful Day for a Bike Ride..

I took one of the longest bike rides I've taken in years today..with my husband by my side, we rode for about 30 minutes and I actually felt great!  We enjoyed our time together and as we headed back home with my driveway in sight, I had such a great feeling come over me!  It was not very long ago that I could barely make it to the corner, which is about 2 houses away..each time I would go out I would push myself a little further, and when I would return home, struggling to peddle..the moment I was in my driveway I literally thought I was going to hurl..

It was just last week when I tried to ride my bike, and after about 5 minutes I felt as if I was going to pass out!  I am pretty much positive that the reaction I had to the shakes cleaned my body out of many valuable nutrients..In just 3 days on solid food, I feel like I have so much more energy!  Obviously, this doesn't happen to everyone on the protein shake program, but apparently my body was rejecting them for some reason..

So, now that I am feeling myself once again, I will be going to the gym starting tomorrow.  I plan to go three times per week at least and then do walking or bike riding the other 2 or 3 days. 

Feeling thankful for another successful day walking with my Father God..

Taking Care of Myself Never Tasted So Good..

Several weeks ago I was sitting in my friend's living room at one of the first sessions of the Made To Crave Bible study..as we were discussing where we each were at in this area of our lives, the Holy Spirit totally dropped this statement in my spirit, which I then blurted out loud, "I don't think I've ever loved myself enough to really care about my weight.." I was actually stunned that those words came out of my mouth..and those words stayed with me throughout the rest of the evening, and even into the next morning, when I began to cry over the fact that I truly did not love myself enough to take care of my body..

I'm not sure if I wrote this in an earlier post, but I was reminded again tonight of this very real truth.  I mean, I've lost weight over my lifetime..lots of weight, only to gain it back and then some..but it has never been because I truly cared about my health..not like I do today..I feel that God has totally renewed my mind and the way I look at food and at myself..

So it's day twenty-five since I began this journey, and now that I am back to eating "regular" food, I decided to make one of my favorite meals tonight..not once did I ever feel deprived today because I feel so good and when my dinner plate looks like this I feel like the queen of the house!! 

Baked Glazed Salmon using a little Organic Apple Cider Vinegar and a tiny bit of honey,
Roasted Asparagus and Steamed Broccoli

New Plan..Same Goal

Today was my first day back on solid food, and I have to say that in just one day I feel so much stronger and after one last bout of diarrhea this morning, my body seems to be adjusting well.  I kept my diet simple today, mainly fresh fruit, a small salad for lunch and a  2egg/1egg white and green pepper omelet for dinner.  I had a little bit of a stomach ache this morning after eating a very little bit of fruit, so I actually had to eat it in 2 separate sittings.  The same thing happened with my small salad for lunch.  I did much better with dinner.

I am feeling extremely well right now.  I have been drinking water all day long as well.  I'm pretty sure I was losing nutrients rather quickly, and this week it just hit me pretty hard. 

So, here's the new plan..I will be eating very clean..fresh fruits/veggies/chicken/fish/brown rice/lots and lots of water!  I will be avoiding sugar and white flour as much as possible.  I will continue to log what I eat each day as well as continue to update this blog and do weekly weigh ins. 

I also feel like my strength is coming back quickly enough to begin a more consistent exercise regimen in the next week.  I have not felt strong enough since the beginning of the liquid diet to do any real exercise.  I kept waiting for my body to adjust so I could start to work out at the gym.  Now I know that this was not a normal reaction to the shakes, and I was not going to "adjust"..

I am not at all discouraged, I am just changing gears a little bit but still striving for the same goals..
I am once again over-whelmed by the love of my friends and family who have sent messages of love to me!  Thank you for praying and for loving me...

Update..

So, I spoke with my husband in length about the issues I am experiencing on this liquid diet...I also spoke with a health professional who said that I might be having a reaction to the lactose in the shakes, although I am not lactose intolerant, so I'm not really sure if that is the reason or not..it was recommended that I do some blood tests to see where my nutritional levels are at, but I'm not sure I'm going to go that route at this time..I am going to eliminate the shakes and see if the diarrhea continues or not..

There have been 3 days over the past week where I only drank 3 shakes a day because I had to go somewhere and didn't want to take the chance of getting diarrhea..when I told my husband that, he said that I needed to change the diet plan..
I really had hoped that this would correct itself, and thought maybe it was just my body adjusting to the shakes, but I think I am definitely having some sort of reaction to them. 

I am feeling very nervous..not sure I am ready to go back to eating already..the whole point was to get rid of all food to force me into dealing with my issues..and take 5 months to really clear my head and renew my mind..I've been in prayer most of the evening about it and honestly, I feel like these past 23 days have been an incredible spiritual growing period in my life..I also feel like it gave me the boost I needed to get on the correct pathway to overall health...I also feel that I have set up a big enough support system in my life that will help me on these next steps as I figure out what my next plan of action is.. I know this, I want to have enough energy to exercise effectively and enjoy my kids and be able to play with them..I also understand that I can still lose weight by eating healthy and choosing the foods that are beneficial to my health, just the same way I was losing on the liquid diet..I cannot be afraid of food..eventually I was going to have to face food again, I just didn't think it was going to be this soon!

Please continue to pray for me..I feel 100% more emotionally stronger than I did 23 days ago, so that is something I am holding on to.  Filling my house with good, clean food is priority over the weekend.  The power of God continues to rest upon me, so I am confident that as long as I continue to cover myself with his Word, then I can get through the temptations that may lie ahead!  One thing I do know is that I will continue to fast one day a week, as I see the huge benefits of fasting not only for spiritual reasons, but for the overall health of my body as well.

I press on knowing that he is fully in control...

Possible Changes Ahead..

So it is day 23 and I am still going strong on the all liquid protein shake diet, however, I am experiencing some side effects..First, I've had diarrhea since the first week, although it was not a big deal at first, it is now becoming a slight issue.  About 3-4 days per week I get a pretty bad case of diarrhea, and some times I almost cannot make it to the bathroom.  It comes and goes, but it is enough of an issue to keep me home on those days.  I have a call into my doctor to see if this is normal.  Since my kids are now home from school, I feel as if I have zero energy almost all of the time..I think just the fact that they are all here and I cannot just sit on the couch at any given time, is definitely using up much of my energy..I'm not sure if the 800 calories is sufficient enough for me to still be a good mom to my kids..I almost feel like I can't even leave my house, because most of the time my energy level is extremely low.

I have almost zero cravings, so I'm not considering a change due to the fact that I'm sick of the shakes or anything like that, I just literally feel that I need more fuel in my body..the few times I have walked 3 miles, I actually did well, but was completely wiped out for the rest of the day..

I told myself in the very beginning that if at some point I could not do just the shakes, then I would consider doing a healthy eating plan and not get discouraged or feel like a failure..what brought this on today was when Tori asked me to play with her, and I lasted like 10 minutes running around with her, and I literally felt like I was going to pass out..I'm beginning to wonder if the diarrhea has washed out much of my body's nutrients..

Anyways..I'm not doing anything until I get more answers..from the Lord, my doctor and even advice from my family and good friends like you!! :)  I chose this program so that I could remove myself from food and be forced to deal with the issues that come up in my life without being able to grab some sort of food and stuff my emotions down, like I have for so very long!!   However, if I am going to make it through this summer with my kids, I may need to review my plan and possibly make some changes.  It may mean that I will be forced to allow only healthy food back into my life and choose God over all the junk that I used to grab when feeling desperate..I mean, at some point I was going to have to do that anyhow...

Praying for wisdom and looking for advice!!

Weigh In Wednesday..

I am down another 3 lbs this week!!  I gotta say I was hoping for at least 4 or 5, but any loss is fantastic in my book!  21 lbs in 3 weeks is definitely incredible!!

I am on my monthly cycle, so that could also be a reason I didn't see as much of a loss this week..I did, however, read that the average weight loss on the all liquid diet is 3-5 lbs per week, so I guess I am right where I should be!

From the beginning this has never been about becoming a super model or beauty queen..it is about presenting myself holy before a holy God..it is about changing my life, renewing my mind and craving God more than food, and so far, I am so on track with those goals that it's not even funny..my life is forever changed..He has started the work in me and will be faithful to complete it..I am undeserving of his amazing grace, but so very thankful and humbled that his love never fails and his mercies are new every morning..

Praising and celebrating another victory in Jesus!

Day Twenty One...

Stoked to weigh myself tomorrow morning..clothes are starting to get more roomy..pulled out a pair of jeans from the bottom of my jeans pile..a size smaller than I was wearing only 3 weeks ago.. :) they fit perfectly!  I still have others that are even smaller that I haven't worn in a few years that I will be pulling out very soon!!..such a great feeling!!

I also started looking into a romantic getaway vacation for just my husband and I in November..he has agreed to take me away when I finish this part of my journey! So exciting..and another reward to look forward to!!
I'm thinking someplace tropical of course...

Pressing on towards my goals..with my God leading my way...

Day Twenty..

I cannot help but laugh as I think about our evening dinner tonight...

I decided to start trying some new recipes since one of my favorite things to do is create meals for my family..I am usually very good at taking a recipe and making it my own by adding or taking away certain ingredients.  Most of what we eat are recipes that have been passed down by my mother, father, his mother or his grandmother, and new recipes that I've come across in my Bon Appetite magazines or favorite cookbooks that I will "doctor" up and make it my own creation..Since I cannot put anything in my mouth, I have been forced to try these new recipes without taste testing, and I pretty much have to follow them exactly as written, hoping that they come out tasty for my family!!  Until tonight, everyone has been enjoying some new dishes over the past week..

I made a very simple chicken and rice casserole..I figured it was easy, there is no way I could possibly mess it up!  As I was making the cream sauce..yes, a heavy cream sauce for this casserole.  No cheese, just a chicken based cream sauce, with some fresh rosemary.  I thought it seemed like it needed something else, but since I can't taste anything I just followed the recipe.  When I served my family, I stood there waiting for any reaction..not a word was uttered for at least 3 seconds..seemed like an eternity!!  When Tori blurted out.."ewww!! this is nasty!!" I just figured that she is 4, and very picky, so it did not surprise me.  Julia was next and said that she didn't care for it, so she wanted to know if she could have something else.  My husband sat in silence..so I had a feeling something was wrong.  For the first time ever, when I asked my husband if he liked the dish, he said, "No"..I couldn't help but just laugh so hard..I have never, ever heard him say flat out, "NO" when I asked him if he liked what I made him.. He is usually a little more gracious and will say, "it was ok" or "it wasn't my favorite".. I knew it had to be awful!! My poor family!! 

Ally came home late and I told her what had transpired so she tasted it and agreed that the rice tasted like mush and had absolutely no flavor..LOL  OK....scratch that recipe!!  It is still making me laugh..even though I threw the entire thing in the garbage!  Good thing I had made some rolls, so they ate them and I cut up a watermelon.. :)

Better stick to what I know for now...I was really tempted to just take a little bite to see how awful it really was!! But I behaved..and just tossed it in the trash. :)  I, however, enjoyed my delicious protein shake! ;)

Another day closer to my goal..

Day Nineteen...

Happy Father's Day to my sweet Daddy, and my amazing husband..

Another glorious day on this amazing journey God has me on..
We enjoyed our day today..church picnic and then made my husband's favorite pepperoni omelet bagel sandwiches for dinner, per his request..I am unbelievably grateful that it is no longer difficult for me to cook and sit at the table with my family..this is such a huge blessing to me! 

This week has literally flown by..I can't believe that I am only a few days away from another weigh in! 

I am so thankful for the amazing friends God has blessed me with..so many messages of love sent my way..feeling your prayers more than ever! Thank you!

SELAH ( THROUGH IT ALL )

Through it all, I have learned to trust in Jesus,
I've learned to trust in God
Through it all, I've learned to depend upon his word!

This is my story..

I know to some it may seem pretty heavy, what I shared in my most recent post, but for me, it is just part of my story.  This is not the first time I have shared my story, as God has allowed me to share it in a few public venues and I readily share all that God has done in my life thus far.  I do not share all of the details, because as I stated earlier, to me, it is finished.  If my story can offer hope to even one woman who is suffering from an eating disorder, or still living in the shame of sexual abuse, or guilt of past sexual sins, then sharing it is worth it!

Seven years ago, God brought me to a place where I was no longer willing to live in the shame and self hatred that I found myself in.  I realized that I was actually angry at God.  If you had asked me that, I would have said absolutely not, I could never be angry at God!! But when God revealed that it was him who I had been blaming for the things I could not control about my past, it was then and only then that I could actually begin the healing process.

I spent several years in therapy for much of what I was dealing with, including bulimia.  I know I gained much insight by my doctors, and I learned a lot.  But when God took hold of my heart, opened me up and I was forced to deal with my issues, only then was I fully restored.  It was the power of the Word of God that carried me through some of those toughest days as well.

I sat in my church one morning in the midst of dealing with all of this, and I went to the altar and laid down all of the anger, hatred and bitterness I had held inside me towards many people who had hurt me. I also poured out my heart to my heavenly father, confessing my sin, and asking him to forgive me for the life I had lived before I was married.  It was a very pivotal point in my healing, and although what was done to me in no way was ever right, I could now walk in freedom, because I had forgiven them completely.  I proceeded to go home and write letters of forgiveness to people that still made me afraid, and also letters of apology to some men who I willingly gave myself to, and today, I am free.  I will never, and have never shared with anyone outside of those who needed to know, the names of these people, as I believe that there is absolutely no reason for this.
 
God, in his great mercy brought a man into my life when I was only a tender 19 years old.  A man who loved me for who I was.  He knew I was broken, but he loved me anyway.  He's been with me for 18 years, through this entire healing process and is still by my side on this journey to wholeness.   I am thankful, still crazy in love, and blessed beyond measure that even in the midst of my brokenness, God has given me such a  beautiful life.

Maybe this is your story, all of it, or part of it..maybe you're in the same miry clay I found myself in, but sweet sister or brother, I promise you, God is right there waiting for you to fall into his arms..he loves you so much, no matter what shame or guilt you may find yourself in, there is hope.

This next road on my journey fell into place at the appointed time that God had designed for my life.  I have seen his mighty hand work miracles in so many areas of my life, and it is only natural that this would be the next "issue" he would begin to work on.  I am oddly grateful for my issues, as they have brought me to a clearer understanding of just how much my Father God truly does love me.  I am reminded of a line in the song, Through It All:

"If I never had a problem, I'd never know that he could solve it "

Sharing my heart and my soul..proclaiming the works of the Lord,

Day Eighteen..

I'm sitting here wondering if there will come a day when I lose track of how many days I've been on this all liquid diet.  I've already forgotten how many days I have left..in the first week, I was counting everything!! I had to glance at the calendar a minute ago to see what the date was, so I could remember what day this is!!  What a great feeling!

I am still feeling unbelievably good.  My life has not only been renewed physically, but spiritually as well.. when I open my Bible, it is more powerful than I remember in a very long time.  When I open my mouth to praise him in song, I feel as if I am literally sitting at the feet of my heavenly father.  Praising him in song has always been part of my daily life, but to worship him without food in my belly, or with a sugar high, or with the sluggish feeling I would get after consuming a large meal..is absolutely incredible.  I now understand why fasting is so important to God.  I feel like I can relate, even if it's just a little bit, to Jesus when he fasted for 40 days.  I feel as though removing food from my life has drawn me closer to my heavenly father than ever before.  I have fasted before, but never longer than 1 or 2 days at a time, and honestly, I haven't even done that in a few years.  When I did fast, sometimes I could not stop thinking about when I was going to eat again! So crazy!! I feel as if God is completely renewing my mind and healing my body from this addiction to food that I once had.

I've had people ask me why or how I think I became a food addict, and honestly, at this point, I'm not sure I have the right answer.  I could blame it on many things in my past..unfortunately, like many, many other women, I was molested as a little girl, I was also date raped, and when I lost my virginity as a young 16 year old girl, I pretty much didn't care who used me anymore.  I can very vividly remember sobbing in the corner of my shower the night I gave permission to an almost complete stranger to take what was most precious to me.  Some might say that I used food to bury those deep emotions of so many sexual abuses and sins in my life.  Food became my friend to me at a very early age, and although I'm not one to dwell on my past, and I feel that although I've been hurt very deeply, God has given me the grace to completely forgive those people, not just partly forgiven..completely forgiven.  To me it is finished.  But sometimes we do have to look into our past to get to the root of certain issues.  I started over-eating at a young age, so peeling back some of the layers, I feel, will be helpful as I continue on this journey.

I can remember the first time I ever consciously binged on food.  I was 12 years old, and my parents left me at home for the first time.  Even before they left, I decided that I was going to bake a cake when they left.  As soon as they walked out the door, I quickly gathered all the ingredients.  My mother was very health conscious and we did not have the normal cake mix that most American homes would have as a staple in their pantries.  No, I had to bake this cake from scratch. Luckily, we did have some sugar in the house, and I had to use carob chips, since chocolate chips were non-existent in our home.  I baked a loaf size cake and the chips sunk to the bottom, but other than that, the cake came out pretty tasty. :)  I've pretty much always been able to cook.  I proceeded to sit in front of the TV with a glass of milk and ate the entire cake.  I don't remember how I felt afterwards, other than that I was excited that I pulled it off, washed the dishes and got rid of all of the evidence.  I began having these love affairs with food periodically throughout the next several years of my life.  I played sports in school, so I never got to be obese. However, I was never skinny, either. When I was 18 years old, a boyfriend told me that I could stand to lose a few pounds, and as you can imagine, I was devastated.  I became bulimic, which I struggled with on and off for the next 12 years of my life.  Binging and purging became a way I could consume anything I wanted and lose weight.  Eventually, in an effort to beat this horrible lifestyle, the binging would continue, and I would try hard to not purge.  The stronger I became in saying no to the purging, the heavier I got, because I could not say no to the binge cycle.  God eventually took away all desire to purge after binging from my life, but I was not willing to give up my food..hence the birth of this journey..

So, today, I don't know if I can fully answer the why or how I got to this place, and honestly, I'm not sure it really matters.  Here is what I do know.  I know that God has healed me of all my diseases.  He took the shame that I felt when I was molested, and nailed it to the cross.  He took the pain I felt when I gave up my virginity.  He took the hurt I felt when someone I thought I loved took advantage of me.  He took my fear that enslaved me for years.  I literally lived in fear for many, many years.  I could not even open my mouth to sing to him when on stage, even though I know it is something he gifted me with.  He took that fear, and today, and for the last 7 years, I have sang for him wherever and whenever he has asked me to.  Just as he took that fear, he has taken this food addiction.  I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus..I am a woman who overcomes.  I am a child of the Almighty King of Kings and he loves me more than I could ever dream or hope to imagine.  He loves me with a perfect love, and I will forever be grateful that he pulled me up out of the miry pit and that he has put a new song in my mouth.

Today, I choose God over food for the rest of my days..there is nothing on this earth that tastes as good as loving and obeying God feels..

I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of the horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.  And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord.  Psalm 40:1-3

Day Sixteen..

My days continue to get easier..it is such an amazing answer to prayer!!  I cooked dinner for my family and sat at the table with them every night this week!! 

I walked three miles this morning again..feeling great and so unbelievably thankful for God's faithfulness..I am so humbled that he cares so much for me, even when I feel like I really don't deserve it..

I will continue to update my blog often and do weekly weigh-ins and continue to post pics of my progress!! I am so excited..even at just a little over 2 weeks in, I truly believe that I am going to reach my goal.  In the first couple of weeks I will admit, I had my doubts, but praise the Lord, he carried me through the most difficult days!!  With about 4 1/2 months to go on the liquid protein shake diet, I covet your continued prayers!

Father God, I am truly humbled that you have shown me such grace in the past 2 weeks of this journey.  I am excited to see your hand at work in my life for the rest of my days on this earth.  I give you my life, may I be a testimony of your love, and may I shine for you!  I am craving you more than ever before.  Thank you for loving me.

Your Daughter,

Goodbye 18 POUNDS!!!!

I know it is crazy to lose 18 pounds in 2 weeks..
but here's the thing..I have
chosen to remove food from my life
for 5 months, and only
consume 5 liquid protein shakes per day,
plus a good whole food vitamin. 
I decided to do this particular program
primarily due to the
fact that I am definitely addicted to food..
I have tried every diet known to man, and can
never stick to them.
I always end up cheating. 
By eliminating the food, it is forcing me to
 deal with my issues and turn to
God instead of food..
I know it sounds radical, but I needed
 a drastic change in my life,
and without a doubt,
I know that God is in this..
he has carried
me through from day one. 
I also researched the shakes,
and they provide all the nurtrition
I need..I have also been in
prayer from day one,
that when I do return
to regular food again,
 that God would continue to
guide my path
and that I will have
learned to deal with stress
and emotions the right way,
by turning to HIM and not food...
I just wanted to put this out
there, in case
anyone just popped in
and didn't have a chance
to read my first few
 days of this blog..
thanks again for your prayers!!

I thank my God upon every rememberance of you!!!

Second Weigh In...

I stepped on the scale this morning and I lost another 6 pounds!!!!!

This means I have lost 18 pounds in just 2 weeks!!! God is soo GOOD!!!  Will post pics later today!!!

Day Fourteen..

Another great day..made dinner tonight again..can't believe how quickly I am adjusting to this new lifestyle..So thankful for the awesome power of my heavenly father who is giving me the strength to make it through each day!!

Tomorrow is weigh-in day..I can tell that I have definitely lost weight this week..excited to see how much!  My clothes are beginning to get loose and I have loads of energy!! I will be posting pics tomorrow as well. :)

Thank you so much for your prayers! Please continue to pray for me..I still have a long way to go and I can feel your prayers everyday!!

Day Thirteen...

For the first time in two weeks I sat down at the dinner table with my family during dinner!  Now don't worry, I did not eat with them, but I was able to sit there and have a conversation with them, without salivating over every bite they took!!  I'm telling you, this is huge for me!! 

I have been feeling great all day long with zero cravings, so I decided to cook dinner for my family.  I have always enjoyed cooking, and to be in the kitchen preparing a meal for the people that are dearest to my heart is unbelievably rewarding.  I have always put love into my food..it just comes natural to me.  I drank a protein shake while cooking, so that was helpful..the shakes are so filling now that my body has adjusted to the reduction in calories.  I even served everyone their plate..it's something I also love doing..plating my food and making it look pretty is all part of my joy for cooking...this is a far cry from the disaster that occurred on pasta night a few days ago!!

I sat down at the table and just smiled as I watched everyone eagerly waiting to pray so they could dig in.  Prayers were offered up and we sat together once again as a family and I never once felt like I was missing out on anything..it wasn't about the food tonight..it was about being with my family. 

Chatter filled our dining room as everyone shared about their day.  My 14 year old son shared about his adventures at a local amusement park, and my 17 year old daughter could not stop saying how much she loved the meal I had prepared for her..with every bite she was more animated..Tori then exclaimed that she was now the Mom, and I was the kid..we could not contain ourselves as laughter erupted and filled the room..these are the most precious moments in my life and today I learned that I don't need to be filled with food to be filled with love..

It's just another step to healing as I continue down the path on this journey to wholeness..

After dinner, I joyfully cleaned up the kitchen..this is not a normal attitude I have when washing dishes, but I just felt so over-joyed.  I had a hidden fear that I wouldn't be able to enjoy dinner time with my family until I returned to normal food, and tonight I have a new hope that this part of my journey will not be as difficult as I had feared..God is so good.

I will leave you with this thought that came to me last night..

God has always been there waiting for me to submit to him, yet I wandered aimlessly down this long road, trying in my own strength to lose weight..yet it was all in vain..and in his infinite wisdom, he knew that this is the time I would finally submit to him and walk in obedience..this is my time...for such a time as this..

Day Twelve...

Today has been a day full of several different emotions..I started my day worshipping my God at church..praising him in song and opening his Word with my brothers and sisters in Christ..no other place I'd rather be, honestly.  In the past week or so, I have felt an indescribable closeness to my heavenly father.  Food is no longer coming between me and my God and I can feel his presence and love all around me at every moment of every day.  He is not loving me any more than he has in the past..that is purely impossible, as his love is perfect and complete and never changes.  I am craving more of him each day and loving him more than ever before..and to find myself in this obedience and submission to his will for my life is almost overwhelming. 

I spent an hour at the grocery store where at every turn there was a different aroma of some delicious food item that an employee was offering samples of...I just walked right on by..trying to re-focus my thoughts on something else, and I kid you not, God in his great and mighty sense of humor would allow an obese woman to cross my path at almost every weak moment I had at the store..it was almost comical.  He definitely knows how to get my attention!! :)

I also spent part of my day praying for, and offering comfort to my good friend who lost her dad unexpectedly last week. His calling hours were today, and the emotions I felt when I walked in the room were intense.  I, of course, think of the possibility that God would choose to take my father without notice and how would I handle such a tragedy?  I can't even allow myself to go to that place.  I love my Daddy more than anything..I just cannot even fathom him not being on this earth any longer. I thought about the right words to say to my friend and her family..and as I looked into her eyes, I seen her pain and felt such sadness within me..I so longed to take the pain from her. 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

When I arrived back home this evening, I was welcomed by my beautiful little children who met me at the door and my sweet little 4 year old, Tori, held on to my legs like I had been gone for weeks..it literally brought me to a place of how we run to our heavenly father and hold on to him when we've missed him so much..kind of where I am at right now..just holding on..

My precious little girl then grabbed me by the hand and asked me to come in to the kitchen with her because she was hungry..so I sat down with her at the kitchen table while she ate, and at least 5 times had to turn down her precious offerings of her dinner.  She kept insisting that she wanted to share with me.. I tried to explain that I couldn't eat what she was eating, but she kept insisting, and at every refusal she looked more disappointed.  We made it through, and I don't know whose heart was more broken, hers or mine!!  Of course, within minutes, she was off and running and forgot about the entire incident..and I was still dreaming about the darn pizza!! ;)

I decided to pick up the phone and call my parents..they are the best distractions ever..they never stop encouraging me and loving me no matter what road I have been on in my lifetime.  To say I am blessed with the best parents in the world is definitely an understatement!! We spent the next three hours in fellowship..the perfect ending to this day..

And so, with this I will say goodnight..I have been blessed beyond measure, I am grateful for every blessing my heavenly father has bestowed upon me..for his unending grace and faithfulness..for meeting this wretched girl where's she's at and for showing himself strong on my behalf..Father God, thank you for loving me.

Day Eleven

Still going strong..so thankful for God's strength that carries me through every moment of every day! I love the old hymn, "I Need Thee Every Hour", but I have been replacing the word "hour" with "minute".. forget every hour, I need him every minute..even every second!!! and he continues to be faithful for every second of every day..

I walked three miles today!! I cannot tell you how great it felt to get outside and move!!  I have a great walking partner who I share amazing fellowship with, so that helps make it more enjoyable of course! :)

I wanted to share an excerpt from the book, Made To Crave by Lysa TerKeurst.  To date, I feel that this section was the most profound.  The other night at our MTC Bible study, I quoted Lamentations 3:22-24, and said that I was going to take the word, "portion" very literally and allow Jesus to be my portion..I held out my hands as if I were holding a plate and said, Lord, fill my plate and be my portion.  During today's reading in the book, this is what I came across..

My kids are driving me crazy. Instead of wolfing down three pieces of chocolate cake, I pray, "God, I so desperately want to be a patient mom. I don't know if I can be a patient mom the rest of my life. But with your portion of strength I can rely on you in this moment and not try to medicate my shortcomings with food."
Whatever the situation, I keep asking God to be my daily portion - of companionship, provision, patience - over and over. And one day I will find victory over these things instead of just looking back over a pile of tears and cake crumbs. Here's a biblical promise we can rely on:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.  Lamentations 3:22-24

Grasping the truth that God is our portion has the potential to transform more than just our eating habits; it can transform our responses to every aspect of our lives. Practicing God's portion control was crucial for the spiritual development of the Israelites (Exodus 16:2-4) and it's crucial for our spiritual development as well. God doesn't mince our words about his expectations or his promises:

You shall have no foreign god among you; you shall not bow down to an alien god. I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.  Psalm 81:9-10

Whether we are talking about food, wine, sex, shopping, or anything else which we try to fill ourselves with, nothing in this world can ever fill us like God's portion. Nothing else can truly satisfy. Nothing else is unfailing and absolute. And I don't say this with a quirky little smile hoping it works. I shout it from the depths of my soul because I know it works,

"for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things."  Psalm 107:9

~Made To Crave, pg 133-134

I am feeling more blessed each day as I watch a miracle take place in my life before my very eyes..

The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy!  Psalm 126:3

Day Ten..

I cannot believe it has been ten full days already on an all liquid protein shake diet!

It is truly only by the grace of God and the power of his Word that I have made it this far!  Last night was pretty hard, but I've got to say that after facing my biggest temptation, I feel like I can get through anything.  As I got into bed last night I was unbelievably grateful that I had made it through such a difficult day.  God is so good to me.

This morning was a little rushed as it was the last day of school for my little kids and I went on the end of the year field trip with my 3rd grader, Julia.  We went to an amusement park, not the best place for a food lover such as myself to be at while working through food related issues mind you.  The smell of fried dough and cotton candy was a bit intoxicating..I even spotted a half eaten round of fried dough sitting all by itself and I almost had some unclean thoughts about consuming it right then and there, but I just looked away and kept strolling through the park with my daughter.  Another victory...

I am exhausted from the day, a little sunburned, but full of joy as I write this.  So thankful, so, so thankful.  He carried me through yet another day..

Thank you so much for your prayers and I ask that you continue to pray for me..I can definitely feel them..so powerful.


Goodnight my friends..

Day Nine

Day Nine..

My day went extremely well until I decided to use up the ground beef in the fridge and make a pot of sauce with meatballs.  I figured I would make the smallest pot of sauce  possible and book out of the kitchen at dinner time. 

All continued to go well..the sauce simmered, I quickly tidied up the kitchen, took a quick nap, folded some laundry, read through several chapters of a book..all while staying on schedule with my shakes and stirring the sauce as needed..

As the afternoon went on, the aroma of homemade pasta sauce filled my home..this proved to be almost too much to handle for this overweight Italian girl who is deeply, or should I say, madly in love with pasta.  I had asked my daughter, Ally to cook the pasta after I made the sauce, because I knew I couldn't be anywhere in the area while mounds of pasta and meatballs covered in Romano cheese (my personal favorite) graced the dishes of my dining room table.  Stuff happens, and my daughter wasn't home, so I was forced to face my fiercest temptation.  Growing up in my home, homemade sauce and pasta was served at least once a week.  I was doubly blessed because my Italian grandma lived with us my entire life, so the odds of finding a good dish of pasta on any given day of the week in our house was pretty good.  This is my ultimate comfort food. 

I had no other choice but to start the boiling water..touch the sauce spoon to my lips, just so I could make sure it was done..and then even biting into a piece of pasta to be sure it was just right.  No body likes mushy pasta in my house.  I bit into a piece, and threw it away.  Yes, I actually threw it away.  I knew there was no way I could resist temptation if I actually swallowed the pasta..at this point I was pretty much feeling like a drug addict..

I finished up, coated the pasta with the sauce and served my baby girl, Tori her plate..she was dancing around the kitchen with excitement..pasta is her favorite too.  I immediately called the family down for dinner and exclaimed that they would have to dish their own plates because I was about to go crazy..

Sitting on the couch while my family cleaned their plates, and as little children scattered by with sauce stained lips and fingers was almost unbearable.  I actually began to shake and then turned angry.  Here we go again..

I was mad at so many things..I made the sauce, why can't I enjoy it?  It's not fair that everyone else in my house can eat whatever they want and here I sit with a tasteless protein shake..why did I have to be the fat one in the family? Why can't I be like my husband and eat whatever I want and barely gain a pound?  It's just not fair..is all I could muster up at that point.  I wanted to leave the house and take a drive, but had no energy..I had used it up with my whining and complaining.  This is getting old, I told myself..really, really old.  Am I gonna do this or not? Was my next question to myself..so I asked my husband to sit next to me and discussed how I was feeling.  After I whined some more, he put his hand on me and prayed over me.  Wow.  I am blessed.

For just a few short minutes after that I continued to crave the pasta and meatballs that were only yards from where I was sitting.  Even at one point I thought that I could possibly sneak a plate when everyone went upstairs..no one would know..I argued with myself for several minutes when I finally felt the Holy Spirit quietly say, "Do you believe I can do this? Do you have faith that I will carry you through tonight and every other night of temptation?  You have to trust me.  You have to persevere." I just sat there and began to cry.  As the tears fell I began to confess..which turned into me falling to my knees and pouring my heart out to my heavenly Father.  Memories of the years of binging and gorging on pasta and breads, sweets and anything else I could think of started to flood my thoughts, and I could not hold back the tears.  How did I get to this place?  How did it get so out of control?  All I could do was ask God to forgive me.  This is not the life he planned for me. 

Time to take my place as an over comer..time to write my new name on a clean slate, a white stone..my new life is just beginning.

I am a woman who has overcome..

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it. Revelation 2:17

I am thankful for another victorious day in Christ Jesus, grateful for his perfect love..feeling humbled that he cares enough to carry my wretched soul into wholeness..falling into a deeper love and relationship with my Father God feels better than any dish of pasta could ever taste...

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. I John 3:1

Day Eight a Day Late..

Hello Friends and Family...

Sorry that this is a day late!  We had a power failure here last night that lasted until almost midnight, so I did not have internet service! 

Yesterday was by far the hardest day yet as far as cravings go. I seriously thought I was going to end up eating last night..it was extremely difficult to stay focused yesterday for some reason.  I wasn't even craving bad food..it was thoughts of vegetables and salads floating around in my brain..I could almost smell the ratatouille that I make..one of my favorite comfort foods!  As I sat here on the couch I started talking out loud to my daughter, Ally. Saying things like.."oh, I could have just a small salad..or maybe I should just forget the whole shake thing and just eat all vegetables.." To which she kindly replied, "MOM! NO! That's not what you said you were gonna do! You need to stick to your original plan!!!"  She definitely knows what to say!! Even though her words didn't take away my cravings, I just knew in my heart that I couldn't even eat some healthy vegetables, because she was right.  My plan is to use the shakes as nourishment for my body and learn to completely depend on God instead of food.  Giving in to my flesh is not an option right now. 

I texted a few friends and pleaded for prayer at those moments..I felt as if the thoughts were getting stronger and harder to handle..so I needed some reinforcement! Thank you to my wonderful friends who are so faithful in getting on their knees for me! 

At our Bible study last night we discussed so many, many important truths, like, remembering God's magnificence and what he's done in our lives in the past, and why we sometimes forget what he did and then don't believe that he could do something magnificent or miraculous again in our lives.  Why do we doubt his power so often??  God has done great and mighty things in my life thus far and I am confident that at this time in my life it will be no different.  Remembering that this is a spiritual commitment and not just a "diet" is also a very important element as part of this life-changing journey.  It's so easy to get caught up in the fact that food and eating, for me, is so much more than just a diet change.  This is truly a spiritual battle in my life.  It is a weakness, an addiction, and if I'm going to become victorious through Christ in this, I have to recognize the battle and be sure I have my armor on - Ephesians 6:10-18

The prayers of my friends, along with this powerful study and the support of my MTC-Jesus Girls (Made To Crave) I made it through yet another day!! Thank You, Jesus!

As my day came to a close, the Lord in his great faithfulness reminded me that yesterday was just a day..and today is a new day!  His mercies are new every morning!
Taking this one day at a time..with Jesus by my side..together we can do this!!

Great is thy faithfulness, Oh God my father!
There is no shadow of turning with thee
Thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not
As thou has been, thou forever will be!

Great is thy faithfulness!  Great is thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see!
All I have needed thy hand has provided
Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!

Goodbye Facebook

Today was my last day on Facebook for a while - just in case you're wondering. :)

My kids didn't want me to delete it, cuz they love all the pictures, but it's too distracting, not to mention that it can be time consuming..so I'll probably be off for a while.

This is the first time in my entire life that I am taking every single area of my life very seriously, and actually thinking of myself first for once. I have to. It feels very selfish of me because I am naturally the kind of person who tries to make sure every one else is taken care of and happy except for me. Not that I'm not happy, quite the contrary, but my personality is to keep everyone else happy first.
I've got to stay focused on God's promises to me almost every minute of the day if I am going to get through the next 5 months of this! So..making priorities in my life and sticking to my plan. :)

I'm pretty sure I will survive without facebook, however I must admit that I will miss seeing pictures of other friends kids, etc. and my parents love to see pics of my family..but I'm pretty sure we will all survive!! :)

12 POUNDS

I woke up this morning after a great night's sleep..ran to the bathroom and then stripped down and stepped on the scale..I even considered popping my contacts in, wondering if my glasses would add any extra weight.. :)  I was too anxious so I just stepped on the scale...

TWELVE pounds GONE!!!!!! I stepped off, reset the scale and stepped on again...just to make sure..it read exactly the same the second time around..TWELVE POUNDS in ONE week?!

HALLELUJAH!!!!!!! God is soo good to me..I am beyond thankful for his Word that has been by my side all week and for all of his people he has sent to love on me!!!!

Doin' my happy dance then heading for the kitchen for a nice cold protein shake!! :)

Weigh-In Anxiety

Well, day seven is almost over. 

I had a really, really relaxing day today, something I really needed.  Spent nearly all day with a friend..someone I believe God has placed in my life for a very specific reason and I am already extremely grateful for our friendship..it was nice to have another adult to talk to while our kids entertained each other..thank you, my friend.

I'm feeling like the days are getting easier to get through.  Twice I actually forgot to drink my protein shake until almost a half an hour after I was supposed to.  Last week I was counting the minutes until my next shake! haha  I'm still experiencing the hunger pangs as is expected but I am definitely feeling like my body is adjusting to this change in diet, which makes me very happy. :)

I'm feeling a little anxious about the weigh-in tomorrow morning.  I know that I probably lost some weight, but I have a tiny bit of fear that I didn't lose as much as I want to, but I'm working really hard on not dwelling on those thoughts! Pray for me tonight that I will fall asleep quickly..I'm a late night thinker and it tends to make it hard for me to fall asleep..

I will be weighing myself right after I run to the potty in the morning..and I will post on here as soon as my kids are off to school. :)

Another beautiful day on the journey..thank you, Jesus!

Comments

Well I have finally figured out how to respond to comments!! haha so sorry..this is seriously all brand new to me! :) Thank you for your patience and thank you so much for your awesome comments! Your words are so incredibly encouraging!!

I have also been told that some people weren't able to comment on some of the posts..so I think I may have fixed that too! :)

Day Six

Wow...I am in awe that I have made it through six days on this new road to wholeness that I find myself on.  Today came with it's own challenges, but by the grace of God I made it through the day!

I will weigh myself on Wednesdays, for those of you who are wondering.  Sometimes I feel as if I am already dropping the pounds and then other times I feel like I haven't lost anything.  This one thing I know, I will be excited no matter what the numbers say, because this has been one of the greatest weeks of my life!

Friends, family and even acquaintances continue to pour on the love and support..and I am still unbelievably humbled.

This will be short tonight as I've had a very busy and somewhat stressful day, but I have also had a victorious day!! Praise the Lord!!

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement..I am feeling very blessed tonight.

When Momma Ain't Happy

Well, it was inevitable..the irritability, frustration and anger hit last night.

My husband said something that set me off, then my teenagers were acting like..well, teenagers and I lost it.  I snapped at everyone. I felt like screaming or punching a wall..felt like I was going to seriously lose it.  Crazy thoughts started swirling around in my head and I was planning what exactly I was going to stuff in my mouth when I reached the kitchen...

I sat on the couch..quietly.  The house was silent.  I read a few scriptures and then set my Bible down and decided to go upstairs.  I was angry.  I walked by my daughter's room and snapped at her one last time..went into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for several minutes.  I just stood there and felt the Holy Spirit say, "Kristina, I love you.  It's time to learn how to deal with your stress without food.  I am here."

I decided that I should just get into bed and stay away from everyone.  It was the only option I could think of, so I crawled into bed and curled up like a baby.  I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't fall. I was still angry. I wanted to eat.  I haven't eaten in five days, I tried to tell myself.."I can't do this anymore" was my next thought and it stopped me in my tracks.  Was I really going to go back to my old habits after one stressful event in my house??  I laid there and looked at my husband who was sitting at the desk in our room and I just started talking out loud.."I'm ticked off right now, and I have every right to be."  He looked over at me and says, "Yes, you do."  I continued, "I have to accept the fact that I'm angry and I'm not going to go downstairs and medicate myself with food.  I'm just not going to do it.  In the past whenever I get mad at you or the kids or some other stressful situation occurs, I immediately go and grab something to eat.  Ice cream, chips, leftovers..whatever sounds good at the moment, and whatever I can stuff down my throat..this is what I am on this journey for..and it's time to change my behavior."  He just sat there and listened and then said that he didn't realize I had done that so frequently.  We talked for at least 30 minutes longer about how not having food available to me is the only way I'm going to learn how to truly deal with stuff the right way..to turn to God, to talk about it..acknowledge how I'm really feeling and not just stuff it down with food, any food..I can stuff it even with healthy food. I depend on food far too much.
I eventually felt a peace come over me and I knew it was the peace of God..

Time to deal..time to get serious..

"You have circled this mountain long enough, now turn north."
Deuteronomy 2:3 NASB

Day Five..

I gotta say that today I've had more energy than I've had all week.  I think my body is starting to adjust to the reduction in calories.  I had to go grocery shopping this afternoon and honestly, that was tough.  My daughter, Ally has agreed to cook several meals a week so that I only have to cook one or two.  She is so awesome. :)  As I was browsing some online cooking sites looking for some quick and easy recipes that she could follow, my mouth started to salivate just a little.  I quickly jotted down a few ideas and turned off the computer.  Heading to the grocery store was also a little rough..I actually sat in my car before I went in and read all of my scriptures out loud! This is the verse that carried me through the store..

Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. Romans 14:19-20a

Wow....God is definitely at work in my life..and I'm not about to sabotage it just for a few minutes of happiness in my mouth..

Soo...I made it home with all the groceries and kindly asked my husband if maybe next time I could give him the list..to which he actually agreed! I am so amazed at how God is working this all out..my husband has been more than helpful in whatever I need him to do..it is amazing.  I have absolutely no excuse not to succeed in this..God has definitely put an unbelievable amount of amazing people in my life to help me on this journey..

Tonight was one of the nights that I cooked.  I was surprised that it was not difficult at all to cook..it actually felt good to be in the kitchen again.  I love to cook and I haven't cooked since last Tuesday, a day before I started the program. I know it won't always be easy, but tonight it went extremely well..another praise!

I also took another bike ride today!! woohoo!! I rode for about 20 minutes..definitely thought I was gonna hurl as I rode back into the driveway..but I am SO happy that I did it..this is all part of the journey..and I will get back on the bike tomorrow. :)

Another day down..thanking the Lord for his grace in my life..

Can't sleep

Apparently less caloric intake equals less sleep needed for my body..wide awake and it's after midnight.  I have to be at church at 8:00am for praise team practice and here I sit.....

This is what I do when I can't sleep...I play..figured out how to put this fancy signature thing on my posts!! haha never thought I would get into the world of blogging like I have....yay...

Day Four

Day Four..and I am still feeling great.  I had a few times when I felt physically weak, because we were out and about today, and I need to have a protein shake every two hours to keep my body balanced throughout the day and I went a few hours two different times. Nothing too crazy, but I definitely need to figure something out when I am on the go.  I bought some Adkins ready to drink protein shakes, but then quickly returned them when I seen how much junk is in them, compared to the HMR shakes.  So..working on a way to make sure I take care of myself when I am out. 

We stopped at Wendy's for a quick lunch this afternoon, and of course the smell of french fries was overwhelming when we walked in.  I don't even like Wendy's fries, but they smelled awfully good today!! I did great, though, and opted for a nice cup of coffee with a tiny bit of cream..that hit the spot!

I read my scripture verses all the way home and that was very helpful in getting my mind off of the fries and frosties my kids were consuming..

My evening ended with a nice little bike ride up and down my driveway..haha hey, I rode for about 10 minutes..that was pretty good for me!! I was nervous to go very far from home just in case I needed to call 911! baby steps...I'll get back on the bike tomorrow and maybe venture out around the block.. ;)

God's amazing grace never ceases to amaze me, and as day four is coming to an end, I am so very thankful that His strength carried me through another day..

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." Lamentations 3:22-24

Blessings...

Blessings upon blessings are pouring in to my life since beginning this program..I've had everyone from family members to friends e-mailing, texting, calling and encouraging ever since I reached out and asked for support.  I am in awe and completely overwhelmed by how loved I truly am!  I have THE most supportive family one could ever hope for..and not just from my husband and children, but my brothers and sisters and parents have all made a point to encourage me..I am so blessed..so thankful.

My dad who is unbelievable has given me an incentive of $10 per pound..money to buy a new wardrobe when I reach my goal weight..my husband joined in and said he would give me $5 a pound when I reach my goal weight..so I can buy accessories to go with my new clothing.. :)  Today, we stopped at my brother, Jamie's house and my 12 year old niece gave me her brand new (one month old) bike!! She said to me, "My dad told me that you are trying to lose weight, so I thought you might like to have my bike"..oh my goodness!! I was almost in tears!!! God is so good...I continue to stand in awe of all he continues to do for me through so many people...

Thank You doesn't seem like it's enough..but thank you!! Seriously, to everyone who has reached out to encourage me...I am humbled by your love for me.

God cares about my gas..

I have to tell you this crazy answer to prayer..
The diet program I am on consists of 5 HMR protein shakes per day, which is a lot of protein!! We all know that sometimes lots of protein can give us lots of gas..so, I did some research on these particular protein shakes and many people testified that these shakes do, in fact cause quite a lot of gas..more than usual, some people said.  I decided to just go on the program anyways, I figured 5 months of extra gas is a small price to pay for getting my life back..

Day one..EXTREME gas..we're talking twice as much as when I am pregnant..it was not pretty..I almost didn't show up for my Bible study..but then I sat down and asked God if he could possibly eliminate this problem..even just for when I have to go out..or to someone's house..it's not only embarrassing, but extremely uncomfortable to hold it in!!

When I say that my God answered my prayer..I am NOT kidding..I am happy to report that I have not had any more than the normal amount of gas a healthy person should have since the afternoon of Day ONE!! PRAISE THE LORD and THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

Seriously...my God is TOTALLY in this!! He even cares about my gas!!! :)

wallpaper

so I've discovered that there are free blog wallpaper sites..haha hopefully I don't get too carried away..I promise to exhibit self control when it comes to decorating my blog!! who knew blogging could be so fun?!

Day Three

I am feeling unbelievably blessed right now. God is so good..even in my fears and failures, he is so faithful..

Last night I decided to send out an email to some of my closest facebook friends.  These amazing people have been a part of my life for the past few years (some for many years!!) and some just mainly through facebook, but all have had such an impact on my life..I knew I could call on all of these amazing friends of mine and ask for prayer for my journey.  As I sat there and debated who to send the email to, satan was hard at work trying to convince me that most of those people probably really could care less. Then more lies..like, "oh, she's skinny and beautiful..don't send it to her, she might just think you're crazy.." well guess what..I sent it anyways, and I am completely humbled and overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support!! Thank You, my friends. I love each one of you and I am so thankful that you will be there to cheer me on as I continue on this journey.

Day three and I am feeling great. No usual withdrawal symptoms that I usually go through when changing my diet.  By this time I would be miserable, shaky, weak and ready to kill someone!! I'm telling you, it is the power of God that is carrying me through.  I have absolutely NO doubt about it.  I was sitting on the potty (sorry for the visual) yesterday and this crazy thought came into my head.."I think I'm going to really enjoy this journey..in fact, I think I'm gonna miss this whole process when it's over.." seriously? Never, ever have I had such an attitude towards changing my eating habits!! I feel that I will become closer to the Lord than ever before, choosing him over food, learning to fully rely on him for everything..even when it gets tough, is actually a comforting thought right now.  I just love my Father God more than words can say and the thought of growing closer to him is a beautiful one..

So this morning I woke up and decided to read through my entire notebook full of scriptures..I also decided to meditate on a different scripture each day..hoping to memorize as well..covering my mind with the word..

My verse for today:

Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.  Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Psalm 103:1-5

Family

Let me introduce you to my beautiful family..
My husband Paul and I have seven children all together.  I gave birth to six of them and one is my step son, Tyler.  I am blessed to have all of these incredible people in my life..

Easter 2011
Our five children still living at home with us..



The last family photo with all seven kids
Spring 2007

 

Christmas 2010
Brendan -20; Ally-17; Michael - 14; Julia - 9; Elijah - 8; Tori - 4



My husband and I. This was taken last summer, 2010.
Only 20 pounds lighter - see what I mean about a good camera angle?
He is the love of my life..I still get butterflies when I am with him sometimes.



My parents and my daughter, Ally
My parents are two of the most influential people in my life.  I am blessed
to be their daughter and so thankful for everything they have done for me.




















So there you go..a little peek into my life. My family is everything to me..and I am grateful each day for each one of them.

In the words of my father.. il sangue non e acqua  {blood is thicker than water}

Good Morning Day Two..

Day Two of my new life. Today I'm going to share the plan I have set in place to accomplish the goal of becoming healthy. First things first..though. As promised, here are the lovely pics that Ally took yesterday. Oh joy. This is really hard for me to post. I really don't know why.  I mean, obviously everyone else sees my true self..have I really been so deluded in my thinking that I actually believe that I don't look this bad??
Ugh...oh well..deep breath..today is a new day..it is what it is, and I am ready for change.  Change is good..

And just for good measure..one last shot of my face up close..I believe if I enlarge these prints to an 11x14 and post it on my fridge, I think I'd never eat again...well..maybe not ever again! :)

So there you have it. Me in all my glory. It's okay, I am beautiful and ready to take my place as a daughter of the Almighty King of Kings who loves me unconditionally and perfectly.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight, in love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will. Ephesians 1:4

So here is my plan -
For the next 5 months I will consume only liquid protein shakes.  I will be using the HMR shakes, since they are doctor recommended for weight loss and by following the program, I will get all the nutritional value I need each day, without the consumption of actual food.  I will also be taking a fiber supplement in the morning, and a barley green drink twice a day.  I have read the book, My Big Fat Greek Diet, several times, and this is very close to the plan that Dr. Nick did to lose over 200 pounds.  He has kept the weight off for ten years now, which is very encouraging to me.  He claims that the only reason he has been successful in keeping the weight off is because he continues to hold himself accountable by sharing his testimony with many people. And of course, by the grace of God!

I will be going to the YMCA three times per week.  Two days per week I will walk with my husband and/or family. 

Many may say that this sounds drastic, or even unhealthy. Let me just say that it is no more unhealthy than where I am at presently.  I am a food addict. There is no doubt in my mind about it. I feel that the only way I can truly deal with my issues and why I turn to food for just about everything is to remove the "medication" for a short time.  If I have no food to turn to when I'm stressed, anxious, angry, sad, happy, etc. then I will be forced to peel back the layers and deal with the issue instead of stuffing it further down with brownies and chocolate! By God's grace, I believe that he will reveal to me during this time how to deal with my food issues, so that on November 1 (7 days before I turn 38, by the way) when I eat regular food once again, I will be better equipped with how to handle the stresses and triggers in life that have caused me to overeat.

Along with my plan, I also have a booklet full of scriptures that I carry with me at all times. My sword of the spirit..

My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words.  Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man's whole body. Proverbs 4:20-22

Can I say just how much I LOVE that passage of scripture?! Health to my WHOLE BODY!! Keeping the scriptures nearby at all times is most definitely the most powerful tool I will have in this journey.

Lastly, I have appointed some accountability partners. My husband, who was a little nervous about it. His exact words to me were: "I have some reservations about this..you're going to have to write down exactly what you want me to say when you need encouragement." I couldn't help but laugh.  I feel bad for my poor man.  I have been so awful in years past when I've asked for help.  He tries and I snap at him and tell him to just be quiet and go buy some Hershey bars!! Pray for him. :)

I've also asked my seventeen year old daughter, Ally as well.  She was eager to help me.  I decided to ask her because last week when I started yet another diet, and on the second day I was whining about how I was ready to quit and just go eat chips, she looked at me and said, "Mom, stop being a quitter!"  Ooh..did those words ever sting! Coming from my daughter, it was very painful. I am supposed to be her example, and she hit me with the hard truth that I had no self control.  I figure she will be the one to keep me on track when I want to quit.  I cannot quit while my children are watching.  I just can't.  She also wants to be a Psychologist, so she is all about talking to me about my feelings..

So there you have it. My plan is in place. I made through yesterday, an entire day of protein shakes, and I enjoyed them.  I will be posting on here often, just to keep me out of the kitchen and away from temptation..I hope you don't get sick of me...

Please pray for me today..I am taking this one day at a time..

"Becoming a woman of self discipline honors God and helps me live the godly characteristic of self control" ~Lysa Terkeurst

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.
Galatians 5:16

sorry..new at this!!

this is the song that played tonight as I drove home from Bible study..I swear it was a gift sent directly by my heavenly father..

MercyMe - Beautiful with Lyrics

stay tuned for more pics..

I promise to upload the full body shots tomorrow..believe me, they are nothing to get excited over.  I would prefer to burn them, but for the sake of being totally honest with not only myself, but all of my friends and family who care to read this blog,  I am saying goodbye to secrecy and lying to myself.  The truth shall set me free...

more pics to come...

So we took some pics today. When I say "we" I mean my daughters Ally and Julia and myself. Ally has agreed to be one of my accountability partners, and the first task I asked of her was to take some recent photos. Wow is all I can say.  The camera doesn't lie is all I can even think of to say right now.  I didn't realize I had so many chins and lumps and rolls.  I am a photographer and I enjoy being behind the camera, but I also know much about a good angle in which to photograph someone. I can get the right shot and make even someone like myself look pretty darn good. :) I'm even good at this when taking self portraits.

After handing the camera over to someone else this afternoon, I received quite the shock when viewing the results. I swear I never knew I was so large. Wow. And getting larger, apparently. I'm telling you, this was a HUGE wake up call. Did I really think I could hide all this food I have been medicating myself with?  Well, after stepping on the scale this morning and finding out that I am 140lbs overweight, and realizing that an entire person is attached to me..gag. Then the pictures. gag. It has been quite the day. I feel the need to just take a deep breath..step back and formulate a plan. 

I think I have an idea of what I need to do. I have counseled with my husband and even my amazingly wonderful seventeen year old daughter and with their support and encouragement, I feel as if I am ready to take on the task of finding my way back to the woman God created me to be. I was made for more than this.

As I drove home from the Bible study this evening, a song played on the radio. God has always been faithful in ministering to me through music and tonight was no exception.  As I drove and the hunger pangs called my name, and visions of brownies and leftover sausage and peppers clouded my thoughts..this song began to play..

a little bit about myself..

So I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend..I enjoy being the wife of the sexiest man alive and a mom to my 6 children..they are the loves of my life and I truly love my family more than anything..well maybe not more than food..until recently anyways..hence the birth of this blog.

Today I find myself heavier than ever before and today I made a promise to my family to finally, once and for all do something about it.  It won't be easy and I honestly don't expect an easy road whatsoever, quite the opposite actually.  But here's what I know..I know that the very same power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead dwells within me and I know that He has promised to go before me and level the mountains. I also know that He has promised to never leave me and that there will always be a way out of temptation..through His power, of course.

I am truly blessed in the fact that my husband loves me and finds me attractive and sexy even at the morbidly obese weight that I find myself at.  He loved me when we got married, 17 years and 100+ pounds ago, and I am completely secure in his love today.  My kids are the same. No one has ever said anything harsh to me regarding my weight. I am blessed.  I am healthy, as much as to be expected. No diseases that I know of, never have had high blood pressure or high cholesterol or even diabetes. But I do know that if I continue on through the rest of my life at this weight or even higher, something is bound to go wrong. There's only so much a body can take.

I'm on my way out the door to a ladies Bible study that I have been attending. We are reading the Made To Crave book by Lysa Terkeurst, and wow..what an unbelievable study this has been! We are on week 4 and I have definitely found some incredible truths that will be with me forever, thanks to this study.  Years ago I read another book called, My Big Fat Greek Diet, by Dr. Nick Yphantides, and I have always been in awe of what this man has accomplished.  There is a statement that he makes, and I will leave you with it: "Your life and your health are a gift, honor your God by taking care of it".  Those words have never left me. Today I make the choice, with an undivided heart to honor my God by taking care of my health.

more later..