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Saturday, June 18, 2011

Day Eighteen..

I'm sitting here wondering if there will come a day when I lose track of how many days I've been on this all liquid diet.  I've already forgotten how many days I have the first week, I was counting everything!! I had to glance at the calendar a minute ago to see what the date was, so I could remember what day this is!!  What a great feeling!

I am still feeling unbelievably good.  My life has not only been renewed physically, but spiritually as well.. when I open my Bible, it is more powerful than I remember in a very long time.  When I open my mouth to praise him in song, I feel as if I am literally sitting at the feet of my heavenly father.  Praising him in song has always been part of my daily life, but to worship him without food in my belly, or with a sugar high, or with the sluggish feeling I would get after consuming a large absolutely incredible.  I now understand why fasting is so important to God.  I feel like I can relate, even if it's just a little bit, to Jesus when he fasted for 40 days.  I feel as though removing food from my life has drawn me closer to my heavenly father than ever before.  I have fasted before, but never longer than 1 or 2 days at a time, and honestly, I haven't even done that in a few years.  When I did fast, sometimes I could not stop thinking about when I was going to eat again! So crazy!! I feel as if God is completely renewing my mind and healing my body from this addiction to food that I once had.

I've had people ask me why or how I think I became a food addict, and honestly, at this point, I'm not sure I have the right answer.  I could blame it on many things in my past..unfortunately, like many, many other women, I was molested as a little girl, I was also date raped, and when I lost my virginity as a young 16 year old girl, I pretty much didn't care who used me anymore.  I can very vividly remember sobbing in the corner of my shower the night I gave permission to an almost complete stranger to take what was most precious to me.  Some might say that I used food to bury those deep emotions of so many sexual abuses and sins in my life.  Food became my friend to me at a very early age, and although I'm not one to dwell on my past, and I feel that although I've been hurt very deeply, God has given me the grace to completely forgive those people, not just partly forgiven..completely forgiven.  To me it is finished.  But sometimes we do have to look into our past to get to the root of certain issues.  I started over-eating at a young age, so peeling back some of the layers, I feel, will be helpful as I continue on this journey.

I can remember the first time I ever consciously binged on food.  I was 12 years old, and my parents left me at home for the first time.  Even before they left, I decided that I was going to bake a cake when they left.  As soon as they walked out the door, I quickly gathered all the ingredients.  My mother was very health conscious and we did not have the normal cake mix that most American homes would have as a staple in their pantries.  No, I had to bake this cake from scratch. Luckily, we did have some sugar in the house, and I had to use carob chips, since chocolate chips were non-existent in our home.  I baked a loaf size cake and the chips sunk to the bottom, but other than that, the cake came out pretty tasty. :)  I've pretty much always been able to cook.  I proceeded to sit in front of the TV with a glass of milk and ate the entire cake.  I don't remember how I felt afterwards, other than that I was excited that I pulled it off, washed the dishes and got rid of all of the evidence.  I began having these love affairs with food periodically throughout the next several years of my life.  I played sports in school, so I never got to be obese. However, I was never skinny, either. When I was 18 years old, a boyfriend told me that I could stand to lose a few pounds, and as you can imagine, I was devastated.  I became bulimic, which I struggled with on and off for the next 12 years of my life.  Binging and purging became a way I could consume anything I wanted and lose weight.  Eventually, in an effort to beat this horrible lifestyle, the binging would continue, and I would try hard to not purge.  The stronger I became in saying no to the purging, the heavier I got, because I could not say no to the binge cycle.  God eventually took away all desire to purge after binging from my life, but I was not willing to give up my food..hence the birth of this journey..

So, today, I don't know if I can fully answer the why or how I got to this place, and honestly, I'm not sure it really matters.  Here is what I do know.  I know that God has healed me of all my diseases.  He took the shame that I felt when I was molested, and nailed it to the cross.  He took the pain I felt when I gave up my virginity.  He took the hurt I felt when someone I thought I loved took advantage of me.  He took my fear that enslaved me for years.  I literally lived in fear for many, many years.  I could not even open my mouth to sing to him when on stage, even though I know it is something he gifted me with.  He took that fear, and today, and for the last 7 years, I have sang for him wherever and whenever he has asked me to.  Just as he took that fear, he has taken this food addiction.  I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus..I am a woman who overcomes.  I am a child of the Almighty King of Kings and he loves me more than I could ever dream or hope to imagine.  He loves me with a perfect love, and I will forever be grateful that he pulled me up out of the miry pit and that he has put a new song in my mouth.

Today, I choose God over food for the rest of my days..there is nothing on this earth that tastes as good as loving and obeying God feels..

I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of the horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.  And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord.  Psalm 40:1-3


kauffeegrl said...

Oh my goodness Kristina. You are a brave lady for bearing your soul in the way that you just did. So much I wish I could talk to you about in person...All I will say for now is praise the LORD for His unquenchable patience and acceptance, for His strength and grace. Where we would be without Him?

Kristina Smith said...

Thank you, sweet friend. love you! xxoo