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Monday, June 6, 2011

When Momma Ain't Happy

Well, it was inevitable..the irritability, frustration and anger hit last night.

My husband said something that set me off, then my teenagers were acting like..well, teenagers and I lost it.  I snapped at everyone. I felt like screaming or punching a wall..felt like I was going to seriously lose it.  Crazy thoughts started swirling around in my head and I was planning what exactly I was going to stuff in my mouth when I reached the kitchen...

I sat on the couch..quietly.  The house was silent.  I read a few scriptures and then set my Bible down and decided to go upstairs.  I was angry.  I walked by my daughter's room and snapped at her one last time..went into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for several minutes.  I just stood there and felt the Holy Spirit say, "Kristina, I love you.  It's time to learn how to deal with your stress without food.  I am here."

I decided that I should just get into bed and stay away from everyone.  It was the only option I could think of, so I crawled into bed and curled up like a baby.  I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't fall. I was still angry. I wanted to eat.  I haven't eaten in five days, I tried to tell myself.."I can't do this anymore" was my next thought and it stopped me in my tracks.  Was I really going to go back to my old habits after one stressful event in my house??  I laid there and looked at my husband who was sitting at the desk in our room and I just started talking out loud.."I'm ticked off right now, and I have every right to be."  He looked over at me and says, "Yes, you do."  I continued, "I have to accept the fact that I'm angry and I'm not going to go downstairs and medicate myself with food.  I'm just not going to do it.  In the past whenever I get mad at you or the kids or some other stressful situation occurs, I immediately go and grab something to eat.  Ice cream, chips, leftovers..whatever sounds good at the moment, and whatever I can stuff down my throat..this is what I am on this journey for..and it's time to change my behavior."  He just sat there and listened and then said that he didn't realize I had done that so frequently.  We talked for at least 30 minutes longer about how not having food available to me is the only way I'm going to learn how to truly deal with stuff the right turn to God, to talk about it..acknowledge how I'm really feeling and not just stuff it down with food, any food..I can stuff it even with healthy food. I depend on food far too much.
I eventually felt a peace come over me and I knew it was the peace of God..

Time to deal..time to get serious..

"You have circled this mountain long enough, now turn north."
Deuteronomy 2:3 NASB


Victoria said...

I just happened on your blog, Kristina! Though people don't know it, weight is something I've always struggled with, as well. I think many of us do. Some of us have metabolisms that hide our weaknesses better, but we still have those weaknesses. You, with the help of God and your amazing family, are getting in control and you are to be admired for that. I will pray for you on this journey and can't wait to see the final result! :)

michelle said...

my beautiful sister! I finally found this! I received some reply all emails on facebook but didn't know when you wrote to me first? kinda strange,,, but now that I have internet,, I finally landed here!
I'm so proud of you for taking this step and making it public! I know God will see you through..."He who has begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Christ"!
I love you so much, and will continue to keep you in my prayers!

Kristina Smith said...

Hi Victoria and welcome! :) Thank you so very much for your prayers and encouraging words! God has truly showered me with so much love from so many. Thanks for cheering me on!

Michelle-you finally made it to my blog-haha! Thank you so much for your love, and I know you will be front and center cheering for me, cuz you're just an awesome big sister like that.. :) love you!