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Saturday, June 18, 2011

This is my story..

I know to some it may seem pretty heavy, what I shared in my most recent post, but for me, it is just part of my story.  This is not the first time I have shared my story, as God has allowed me to share it in a few public venues and I readily share all that God has done in my life thus far.  I do not share all of the details, because as I stated earlier, to me, it is finished.  If my story can offer hope to even one woman who is suffering from an eating disorder, or still living in the shame of sexual abuse, or guilt of past sexual sins, then sharing it is worth it!

Seven years ago, God brought me to a place where I was no longer willing to live in the shame and self hatred that I found myself in.  I realized that I was actually angry at God.  If you had asked me that, I would have said absolutely not, I could never be angry at God!! But when God revealed that it was him who I had been blaming for the things I could not control about my past, it was then and only then that I could actually begin the healing process.

I spent several years in therapy for much of what I was dealing with, including bulimia.  I know I gained much insight by my doctors, and I learned a lot.  But when God took hold of my heart, opened me up and I was forced to deal with my issues, only then was I fully restored.  It was the power of the Word of God that carried me through some of those toughest days as well.

I sat in my church one morning in the midst of dealing with all of this, and I went to the altar and laid down all of the anger, hatred and bitterness I had held inside me towards many people who had hurt me. I also poured out my heart to my heavenly father, confessing my sin, and asking him to forgive me for the life I had lived before I was married.  It was a very pivotal point in my healing, and although what was done to me in no way was ever right, I could now walk in freedom, because I had forgiven them completely.  I proceeded to go home and write letters of forgiveness to people that still made me afraid, and also letters of apology to some men who I willingly gave myself to, and today, I am free.  I will never, and have never shared with anyone outside of those who needed to know, the names of these people, as I believe that there is absolutely no reason for this.
God, in his great mercy brought a man into my life when I was only a tender 19 years old.  A man who loved me for who I was.  He knew I was broken, but he loved me anyway.  He's been with me for 18 years, through this entire healing process and is still by my side on this journey to wholeness.   I am thankful, still crazy in love, and blessed beyond measure that even in the midst of my brokenness, God has given me such a  beautiful life.

Maybe this is your story, all of it, or part of it..maybe you're in the same miry clay I found myself in, but sweet sister or brother, I promise you, God is right there waiting for you to fall into his arms..he loves you so much, no matter what shame or guilt you may find yourself in, there is hope.

This next road on my journey fell into place at the appointed time that God had designed for my life.  I have seen his mighty hand work miracles in so many areas of my life, and it is only natural that this would be the next "issue" he would begin to work on.  I am oddly grateful for my issues, as they have brought me to a clearer understanding of just how much my Father God truly does love me.  I am reminded of a line in the song, Through It All:

"If I never had a problem, I'd never know that he could solve it "

Sharing my heart and my soul..proclaiming the works of the Lord,

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